Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I Discovered a Pattern in my Life

So here it is again, 3 AM, Wednesday morning. I have been tossing and turning in bed for an hour now. I finally realized why. I cleaned out my nightstand last night from the room I shared with Terri. I did not realize it would really affect me to do something like that. Well it did. Not so much the whole cleaning it out and organizing the contents of the nightstand; it was how the room looked. It was no longer my room. And that is ok; don't get me wrong. I AM NOT REGRETTING FOR A SECOND MY DECISION. It is the fact that she has the larger room and I have the room that still has a lot of "our shit" in it. I need to make my room MY ROOM and I am doing something to help make that possible every chance I get.

In my room, I don't have a lot of space and I think I got resentful. Not of Terri but of the situation. I have a third floor and by all rights that should be now mine. But why should I displace her daughter because I want more space. Also, all of Terri's scrapbooking stuff went upstairs so if I did take that space I would still be sharing it with her and that is not what I want or need in my bedroom. So I came to the conclusion that I will make my room, which is a very nice room, especially with a deck attached, the best room I can. It is only a bedroom for God's Sake.

So the pattern that I figured out......... it goes back to when I left Columbia in 1990. I was headed to Denver, CO to be with the love of my life, or I thought. (Sorry Siobhan) When I went out there for Spring Break to look for apartments, I was told that we would not be living together. I can move out to Denver, rent an apartment, get a teaching job, but no guarantees? What the FUCK!. So when I went back to Columbia, I had to come up with another plan. I had already resigned my teaching job, so I was unemployed as of June. I needed a plan. So, my plan was to pack all of my things up and move to St. Louis. Why St. Louis? Well how many school districts do we have in St. Louis? A bunch! That was my thought too. I would surely land a job in a district and find a nice apartment and go on with my life. Well, it did not work out like that. I had to place all my things in storage, stay with friends in Belleville for a few months before I found a job, any job.

So here is the pattern, I box my shit up, live out of boxes for awhile before I land on my feet again. For some people that works. But I had to ponder the question why did I keep doing that? I must have repeated that process 5 or 6 times now in my life. So the pattern, as I see it is, I am happy for awhile in a relationship and then I run by packing all my shit in boxes.

Am I punishing myself for failing? That is my question. Is that how my subconscious works? I must suffer in order to find my happiness again?

This time, I am finding my happiness within myself. I have noticed a change in me, personally. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am a much happier person because of it. That does not mean that I am not going to have set backs. I just thought it was interesting how I reflected on all the moves I have made in my life and why those moves were necessary.

My dad did just told me recently, change is something that is good and that is what life is about. I know most of you know my dad or at least know what my dad is like, I totally looked into the phone like he had a third head.

Change is good. I will be looking at my life and start to make positive changes. I hope you all will support me on this journey.

I love you all and thanks for being my friend.


1 comment:

Rodney Bequette said...

Wow! Talk about a slap to the face. I am so upset now for the "pattern" in my life. But, I will make it through it.

I, like you, have spent my entire life in this "circle". A circle ended today. A slap to my face. Lies. Betrayal. Stupidity.

Life is a lesson. Each and every day. Funny, remember Monday when I said it sucks to grow up. Wow. Am I eating those words now.

It is hard to sit here and write this without being upset. I want to talk to someone, yet I don't want to give the satisfaction of the acknowledgement of the issue.

You spend your life working for what you think is the "right" thing to do. It just amazes me that in the last 8 hours I have found out what a real piece of shit I am. I am not on a pity party. I am not going to let it get me down.

I am just going to digest the pain by myself and move on. That is all one can do. It is not easy, it is not painless. It is life.

I love you and I am so sorry if I offended you, along with everyone else, that I worked with.

See you on Sunday.
your fucked up brother.