Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Was Fooling Myself

Today has been very frustrating for many reasons. The main reason is how the students that I service are not wanting to be accountable for their education. It really is a shame. If they only knew what other children in other parts of the United States and other countries go through just so they could have an education. These kids take so much for granted. I was just recounting my own frustrations I had in middle school just the other day. I wanted an education, it just did not come easy for me. I had to work to just understand the basics' in many areas. Most of these students don't even attempt any effort. They want to use anyone or anything as their scapegoat.
7 more weeks left and then summer vacation. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

I passed out grade sheets today for a shock factor. I service 67 students, which really is not that many. A few years ago, I was responsible for 110 students. At this time, 29 students are failing and 8 students have D's. So that means that half of my students are not making the grade. AND, I heard from several students how I LOST THEIR WORK. Are you serious?! What EVER!!!!!!!.

Then I tried to email Terri to get the lines of communication open and that did not go well either. I have set up a time to sit and talk to her and I will do my best to keep my blood pressure down.
But I have to say, I am very frustrated with the "conversations". It is like beating a dead horse.

This is not a decision that I made on the fly, this is not a decision that I have not thought about for a while.
I am sorry our relationship did not last forever.

It is time to make a transition. Yes, I have made the transition faster because I was the one not happy. But, I also expressed that many times to her and she did not stop to reflect or stop and change anything. SO why do I have to be "punished" because I made a decision and I am choosing to move on.

I am not going to feel as though I did something wrong. I am not going to feel as though I did not "try" hard enough to save the relationship. All of you know me, you have listened to me when I have vented about this exact thing. How long have you patiently listened to me? It has been at least 8 months if not more. She is not going to take her anger and frustration out on me. That is not happening.

Why am I even entertaining the idea of sitting down and talking? Mainly because of the pattern I have discovered in my life. I normally run and then come back later and try to talk things out. I am not RUNNING FROM ANYTHING!!!!!! If she wants to ask questions, she better be ready for the answers.

Ok I feel a little bit better. Remember, comments are always welcome. I can take anything with a grain of salt.



Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I Discovered a Pattern in my Life

So here it is again, 3 AM, Wednesday morning. I have been tossing and turning in bed for an hour now. I finally realized why. I cleaned out my nightstand last night from the room I shared with Terri. I did not realize it would really affect me to do something like that. Well it did. Not so much the whole cleaning it out and organizing the contents of the nightstand; it was how the room looked. It was no longer my room. And that is ok; don't get me wrong. I AM NOT REGRETTING FOR A SECOND MY DECISION. It is the fact that she has the larger room and I have the room that still has a lot of "our shit" in it. I need to make my room MY ROOM and I am doing something to help make that possible every chance I get.

In my room, I don't have a lot of space and I think I got resentful. Not of Terri but of the situation. I have a third floor and by all rights that should be now mine. But why should I displace her daughter because I want more space. Also, all of Terri's scrapbooking stuff went upstairs so if I did take that space I would still be sharing it with her and that is not what I want or need in my bedroom. So I came to the conclusion that I will make my room, which is a very nice room, especially with a deck attached, the best room I can. It is only a bedroom for God's Sake.

So the pattern that I figured out......... it goes back to when I left Columbia in 1990. I was headed to Denver, CO to be with the love of my life, or I thought. (Sorry Siobhan) When I went out there for Spring Break to look for apartments, I was told that we would not be living together. I can move out to Denver, rent an apartment, get a teaching job, but no guarantees? What the FUCK!. So when I went back to Columbia, I had to come up with another plan. I had already resigned my teaching job, so I was unemployed as of June. I needed a plan. So, my plan was to pack all of my things up and move to St. Louis. Why St. Louis? Well how many school districts do we have in St. Louis? A bunch! That was my thought too. I would surely land a job in a district and find a nice apartment and go on with my life. Well, it did not work out like that. I had to place all my things in storage, stay with friends in Belleville for a few months before I found a job, any job.

So here is the pattern, I box my shit up, live out of boxes for awhile before I land on my feet again. For some people that works. But I had to ponder the question why did I keep doing that? I must have repeated that process 5 or 6 times now in my life. So the pattern, as I see it is, I am happy for awhile in a relationship and then I run by packing all my shit in boxes.

Am I punishing myself for failing? That is my question. Is that how my subconscious works? I must suffer in order to find my happiness again?

This time, I am finding my happiness within myself. I have noticed a change in me, personally. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am a much happier person because of it. That does not mean that I am not going to have set backs. I just thought it was interesting how I reflected on all the moves I have made in my life and why those moves were necessary.

My dad did just told me recently, change is something that is good and that is what life is about. I know most of you know my dad or at least know what my dad is like, I totally looked into the phone like he had a third head.

Change is good. I will be looking at my life and start to make positive changes. I hope you all will support me on this journey.

I love you all and thanks for being my friend.