OK, this is a very personal issue for me. I have debated all day whether to put it out for the whole world to see. I finally came to the conclusion that who ever reads this might help me deal with my situation. And I am really wanting honest comments to this post.
Here goes.......
There is so much to write about on this topic because there is not much out there to read for guidance. Sure there are "Parenting" books but those books do not address many of the issues in the gay world. Now there are two different ways to look at this issue. 1 If you and your partner decide to bring a little one into this world, then you both have made the commitment necessary to travel down that road. That is not perspective I will be discussing in this posting.
I am going to be speaking from the perspective of meeting someone with kids and falling in love with them and thus having an instant family. I use the term, "family" very loosely here. I entered my partners life when 2 of her children were teenagers. Yes, TEENAGERS. Being a middle school teacher, I should of expected a lot of what happened the last 6 years.
Ok, picture it, Sicily, Golden Girls reference sorry, I met this person and we started to get to know each other and she was from the "straight world". So now you can really picture the situation. To get to the chase, her husband and her divorced and her kids were very hurt and pissed. They were pissed at their mom but mostly, totally pissed at me. They are not bad kids, nor have they ever been. They were teenagers when all of this transpired and of course they rebelled some.
Now, my background makes me try to be the disciplinarian and I did try that approach with them but of course it backed fired because I was not their mom and I had no say it what they did, so on and so on. So it was very tense for a while but it seemed to let up some. I am going to get to the chase of this posting. I was told many times by my partner that she did not want to be put in the middle between me and her kids and if I had problems with them, I should tell them. Well I did and I normally got the response that I stated earlier. They would listen, somewhat, and then go on about their business. I am a big follow up person. If I tell someone that I am going to check up on something that I have asked them to do, I do just that. I am also the type of person that when I have had enough, I blow. I have blown many times being the unwanted step parent. Sure, when they wanted something, they had no problem asking but when I wanted them to do something, how dare I.
That is where I am right now. I have convied my thoughts and feelings to my partner and it does not always sink in. She is the type of person that thinks things through and I am the type of person that wants something changed right away. That is how I was brought up.... that is one of my issues. How I was brought up is not the same way my partner has brought up her kids. Our two philosophies are conflicting. I am tired of watching her kids think everything must be handed to them. The two teenagers are growing up and are both in college.
I need advice here, both young ladies are being given an opportunity that not many single parents can give their children. They have been given the opportunity to go to college without the burden of student loans hanging over their heads when they graduate. My partner works two jobs to make that possible for them. But when something is asked of them, there is a roll of the eyes or sorry I can't because it would be too much gas money to do that for you mom. I don't know how many times, she has asked either one of them to do her a favor and they pretty much tell her no because of one thing or another. HOW DARE THEM. If my mom was working two jobs and she needed me to go to my grandmother's house to pick up something for her and deliever it to her, I would do it because I understand what my MOTHER is doing for me. I have put my two cents in on any and all issues that pertain to these two young ladies. I have had to put my foot down to my partner about something I see is going on and it needs to stop. I am tired of being the bad guy, I am tired to pointing out things I know their mom sees. I am tired of having 20 year olds being so disrespectful at times.
How do I get past being totally pissed when I see them manipulating their mother for their own benefit? I really am having a hard time having any conversation with the one that lives with us. We bought a new home last July and we both decided that as long as the two were in college, they would have a place to live. With that said about the new house, I no longer live in their house. This house is just as much mine as it is their moms and I will make my voice heard here.
We have talked about the one living here full time, helping out with some grocery money, she has a job so I am not totally off my rocker. We got $35 in September of 2007. That was it. I am putting my foot down again. She will be paying money starting in May. She has a tendency to open the refrig up to see what is in there to eat and not even bother to thank anyone for going to the store. I am tired of this shit. I have told my partner this and she agrees with me. My biggest bitch is WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO COME FROM ME.... why can't it be addressed without me saying something. Supposedly things like I have described are going to be addressed asap and I will be watching to see how things change or if they change at all.
It is very disheartening to be in a relationship with someone and have a wedge thrown into the relationship that you have no control over. I do not have control over how my partner deals with her children and I can not continue to allow any one of them to get my blood pressure up like it has the last two weeks or so. I feel taken advantage of on many fronts and that is going to stop as well. I need to focus on me and my career and hopefully all of what I have vented about today will be a distant memory soon.
I am serious when I said at the beginning of my post, I would like any and all honest comments.
Later,
Boss
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3 comments:
Boss,
What a pickle! I, unfortunately and fortunately, have had the experience of witnessing what you speak of concerning the children. I agree in the aspect of the girls being "good" girls. No trouble, no drama, just a product of their society. The hard part of accepting this philosophy of the "Y" generation is the impact we, as adults, have had on their thoughts. These impacts have come purposely and subliminally.
You have to remember we grew up in an era of major changes. In regard to these major changes, many were life altering, life changing and life stopping. You and I have had the unfortunate experience, along with many of our friends and associates, of not having the "perfect" situation for growing up..........
We both see the disrespect and ungratefullness of the girls, and the entire "Y" society, as a complete swing in our way of upbringing. I totally agree with your comments on the lack of disrespect for your partner's sacrifice for her daughters. I, along with you, have had to work for everything in my life and only wish I still had a MOTHER to even share things.
The old cliched saying "you don't know what you have until it is gone" is very true. I still get upset thinking about the times I should have did more things and said "thank you" and "i love you" to my mother...........
enough on that.............
In reference to your immediate family......that is a product of everyone's life now. I can only imagine how disheartening it is for you. I know you very well and I know of your frustrations first hand. In essence, your love for your partner will have to salvage and save all your concerns. Your faith in her cannot wain. It cannot be doubted. It will only make you crazier than you already are!!!
I understand your frustration at being a "gay" stepparent and the lack of obvious support. I know there are other lesbo-a-go-go's out there with the EXACT same situation. I recently met a lesbian couple who combined two families, 20 years ago! Can you even fathom it? It takes my breath away. They both have had their share of "family" dramas, yet, they seem to be two of the most anchored people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Perhaps a lunch or breakfast with the two of them would help! Not just you, but both you and your partner......just a thought.
I love your passion regarding this issue. Does your partner share this passion? Does your partner think you are just being selfish? Do you think your partner think you are just blowing all of this out of proportion? There is no easy answer.......but remember....and you taught me this Boss.......communicate, don't lock yourself into your thoughts.
you have all my love and support. Great job with the blog, my sweet-sweet friend....
xoxo
Boss -
I apologize now for the length of my comments below. I could type for ever...
As the world turns is the first thing that came to mind. I know, how dramatic, huh? Before I get into my thoughts, i want to tell you how i have learned to deal with "life" - you know that without the drama, the issues, the frustration, and the stress, how would we know when and be able to enjoy it when things are GOOD.
A quick background for you...
My mother and father divorced when I was about 4 yrs old, although I was very young, I knew my life was changing and would never be the same. I could do nothing about it but hold my moms leg (that is as far as I could reach) and cry with her, cry for her, and for myself. My mommie was sad, my mommie was leaving me. My mother was leaving my father for another woman. She loved me and my brother but needed to do this for her happiness. I hated it but do respect her now for making the choices she had to make for herself. Now let's jump ahead to the present to hit on your issues..
My mother has been with her partner(we'll call her Ms. B) for 25+ years, (partners background)left her husband for similar reasons and has three kids of her own, so you can imagine. The partners children are all grown, but wow what a trip it has been for them and still is. Ms. B's kids have not been angels, (non of us have)there have been so many issues my mother has had to deal with in relation to Ms. B's kids, but let's review just the most recent. Two kids were recently busted for having a meth lab in their mobile home, YES a Meth Lab. So the son and his wife and thier 15 yr old daughter moved in with my mom and partner, it was not easy, it caused fights, anger, frustration, and I witnessed this, BUT I also witnessed the partnership, the stability, the Love and understanding between Mom and Ms. B, yes it got ugly, but as long as they both had the same goals, they worked through it. My mother had different ideals of how the issues should be dealt with and as long as they agreed to deal with it together, as a team, it would be ok. The kids are now in thier own apartment, and for once have stability in their lives. My mom and Ms B were able to teach them how to be resposible for themslves and their actions. It is an amazing story. Now the other daughter of Ms. B has recently moved in for her "rehabilitaion". This daughter is in and out of jail,as recenty as geting out 2 days ago but now has the support of two loving people, her mother and mine to help find her own path. My point is this.. mom and Ms B are doing amazing things for these kids, but it couldn't happen without the strengh of the partnership they have built, OH YES , bad fights, throwing things, I have even been in between them screaming myself, but at night no matter what thay layed down next to each other and the love came back into their eyes.
I myself ended up with a Physically / and mentally abusive step mother from age 5 - up, so I have seen and been on both sides. I have to say I would take you, your strengh, your desire to make thier lifes better, wanting them to become more responsible adults, anyday. Your a breath of fresh air. You have the right to feel this way - to voice your opinions, to stand yoru ground.
sounds like you are going through what they call "Step parenting". OH boy I don't envy you. LOL
Hollor if you need to, argue your point, discuss the options, but at days end remember to lay next to the one you love, and tell her you love her and tomorrow is another day. For once you solve your current issues, I promise you their will just be new ones around the corner. Enjoy them, they are just reminding you that you are alive and YOU ARE NEEDED.
I would like for you to meet my mother and Ms. B, they are both amazing ladies and have helped make me the man I am today. Here's you opportunity to again use your teaching abilities. I thingk they could use it!
Good luck! Great Bloggin' Babe.
Life is a trip ain't it! But without hitting these bumps, how else would you know your even going anywhere?
You are an inspiration in my eyes!
Love ya SUNSHINE!
First of all, I don’t think that most of your problems come from being a gay step parent, just a step parent. From what I have seen and heard, it sounds like the girls have accepted it or at least are not throwing that back in your face. So maybe look into a book on just step parenting. I will look for a good one One about teenagers.
When I heard many of the complaints over the past months, I tried really hard not to smile and laugh out loud. Like you said, these are good girls and teenagers. I can remember doing many of those things to my parents a few years, weeks, days, ago. And my brothers still do on a regular basis.
As I was reading this post the first time, my mom was reading also, while watching Xander. She thought this line was so funny. “She has a tendency to open the refrig up to see what is in there to eat and not even bother to thank anyone for going to the store.” She said, “Oh please, like anyone would say thank you for going shopping. They would just ask if there was anything to eat and why didn’t she buy anything better.“ She also had other things to say about getting ADD teenagers to clean their rooms. She really is funny.
Now I understand that it is your house, blah blah blah (sorry, not very insightful or thoughtful), but she is a good kid. And she probably appreciated her mom more than you think, or she thinks. That will come. I do so much more for my mom now than 5 years ago. Call it selfish, but I just didn’t think about it. I did not feel entitled to everything, I just didn’t think.
When my brother lived with me for a very very short time, I had to remind him every month to give me rent. And eventually I got it. It is not unreasonable to ask her to help, but realize that it is a lesson for her, as much as helping out. And it probably will get forgotten and will start another fight.
I also understand that you come from a VERY different place. And I can see why you get frustrated. You are right, you need to find a way to not get SUPER upset about this, all the time. Sometimes it is needed, but pick your battles-with both the girls and their mom. And remember, in her eyes, the girls should come first, followed very closely by you. She does not want to be in the middle any more than you do.
I don’t have much experience with step parenting, but it must be really hard. But look on the bright side, eventually they will grow up and move out Then you get to make fun of them and say that they would have never done that at my house (cleaned up, shopped, cooked, etc.) (I am really tired of those statements. When do they stop?)
Remember to communicate. I know that everyone is busy, but time needs to be made to keep the family functioning well. Your “family” will be around until you are old and gray , so figure out a way to make it work not so horribly. Remember before the house was bought and things were getting a little better. I think it was because everyone was talking and excited. I may be wrong.
-k-
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